With all the hoohah over the Protein World subway ad in London and the gaining momentum of the petition to have it removed, I realized a little fresh perspective was needed. After remembering that’s the kind of thing comedic writers are supposed to be good at providing, I decided to have a go at defining what, exactly, it means to be beach body ready and then be super helpful by providing my top 5 tips to achieve that status.

First, what does it mean to be “beach body ready”? Here’s what the folks over at Protein World think:

And here’s how they say it can happen (it’s in the tiny print on the ad): “Substituting 2 daily meals of an energy restricted diet with a meal replacement contributes to weight loss.”

I’m not sure who is writing their copy, but it only makes literal sense if you’ve killed off a few brain cells with heroin, which come to think of it, would indeed, give you the body shape and color of the model in the ad. But, while you mull over their roundabout way of saying, if you ingest fewer calories by drinking our stuff instead of eating real food, you’ll lose weight, let me clear things up.

Here’s what it really means to be “beach-body ready” (note the hyphen): One’s body is prepared to spend time at the beach. (Also note: I’m sitting on one hand right now doing my best to avoid going off on a ranting tangent about how it appears the majority of ad copy people seemed to have skipped their grammar classes.)

Anyway, now that we’re done with our English lesson for the day, let’s move on to my top 5 tips for being beach-body ready, in increasing importance:

5. In order for one’s body to be ready for the beach, one must be prepared for the potential dangers awaiting the opportunity to strike. Therefore, one must slather on a sunblock with an SPF of 47,321 (or as close as you can get). One’s hair must be slicked back and coated with an anti-humidity gel and spray. Eyes must be protected by polarized lenses and a hat. One’s torso needs a cover up, and one’s feet must have appropriate foot gear in order to prevent one’s skin from being seared off like chicken wings left on the grill too long. On a related note: if one is in the Florida Keys or Bahamas, one may want full-coverage on the tootsies to prevent that slimy sea grass from squishing up between the toes.

4. For the mothers out there, your body is not the only one that needs to be prepared. You must ensure your entire brood is as protected as you are and you must tote the family’s caravan of accouterments. If you do not resemble this woman:

then it’s quite obvious you’ve forgotten something and must return home to get it.

3. For the college students, being beach-body ready means you’re protected against dehydration. Therefore, be sure to have plenty of Gatorade on hand to mix with your vodka.

2. If you’re a beach-going senior, you must download whatever app is appropriate for your smartphone that will enable you to locate the nearest beach with a set of claw-foot tubs. I’d insert a Cialis ad here, but I think that would be overkill.

And finally, the number 1 tip for being beach-body ready: don’t take advice from billboards and ads. If you wanna know what to do to be beach-body ready, take a hint from the pros:

Now that’s beach-body ready! It’s the only way to enjoy the beach:

Relaxed and in love with your fab self regardless of whatever form you take.