A good friend called the other day when I was walking my dog and she was driving her morning commute to work. It was a Thursday in a week from hell for her. She’s in a new position that was taking up more of her time and attention than she had expected.

She had worked until 7:00 every day that week and was probably going to do the same that night. On the plus side, she was doing a great job at work: problems were getting fixed, systems she developed were streamlining processes, staff and resources were effectively managed, etc. So what was  making it a week from hell?

The one thing my friend hadn’t been a success at was squeezing another couple hours into the day. She did her best, gave it more than the ‘ole college try, and yet this super hero failed. And though it was an impossible task, she was suffering from a severe case of mommy guilt. “I should have been able to spend more time with J___. We had to buy store-bought invitations for E____’s party and she wanted us to make homemade ones. The sitter is spending more time with my kids than I am — she even had to walk the dog for me. And I’m not sure if my husband remembers my name.”

“Why can’t I figure out how to do it all?” she demanded. “Why can’t I manage my time better and get it all done?”

Seemed to me, like many women, she was confused and asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter why she couldn’t figure it out — no one can figure it out. It’s un-figure-outable.  And it’s not a matter of her having better time management skills; it’s a matter of her having unrealistic expectations of herself.

Our generation had been taught that we women can do it all — we can succeed at a rewarding career AND we can be fully involved in our happy, busy children’s lives AND we can have a fabulous sex life with multiple date nights with our spouses every month. Oh, and we do it while being perfectly fit because we go to the gym every day, with plenty of cash on hand, with maintained manicures, freshly pressed clothes, and our homes are always fit for Will and Kate to come calling.

While I agree that it is true — that we can do, be, and have all we want — I think that maybe we should have been taught about temperance and acceptance of non-perfection, too. Because, really, no one is that good all the time.  Notice how Oprah doesn’t have kids? Michelle Obama has her mom living with her to help. Angelina Jolie has nannies! Try as you might, you cannot name one super-successful women who is at the top of her field while being the mother of ever-good-mannered and perpetually happy, smart and well adjusted children, and who is in a monogamous, thrilling, and fulfilling relationship with her husband NON-STOP, CONSISTENTLY, for her entire adult life.

And yet, we feel guilty when we can’t fulfill that impossible demand we make on ourselves.

So the question my friend should have asked instead of “why can’t I figure it out?” is “why do I feel so damn guilty and what can I do about it?”

I asked my friend if she was finding excuses to work more so that she doesn’t have to deal with anything at home. Her answer: no.

I asked her if, when she was home, did she ignore her family by retreating into the bath and bedroom and locking the doors. Her answer: no.

I asked her if she was certain that her children knew if there was an emergency, Mom would be there for them. Her answer: yes.

So then I asked her what harm was there in one week of working overtime?

At fist she couldn’t answer and then when she did, she got to the root of the problem. “No harm is coming from me working so much this week. I just feel like I’m doing something wrong because I’m not there as much as I’m supposed to be there.” But then she couldn’t tell me who set the “supposed to rule” and whether or not that person was qualified to do so.

The thing is, at no time in the evolution of human beings have have parents always been able to “be there” for their kids non-stop. How many pioneer moms had the luxury (while scrubbing their clothes in the river) to talk with other women and say things like “I wish it didn’t take so long to make candles because I need to spend more quality time with my children”? Um, maybe one woman did, on occasion, when she was secretly drunk, and probably she was the outcast the other women gossiped about.

In hunter-gatherer societies, as soon as the kids are big enough, the moms take off the sling things they carry the babies in and the kids have to start foraging for food. Child labor in its purest form. Do those moms commiserate about not having the energy to properly plan a birthday party? I’m not thinking so.

And one more example — how many times have we heard someone (usually when winning an award or becoming a VIP in a professional sports game) give thanks to his/her mom who worked two jobs to put that person through college? If someone’s working two jobs and in theory sleeping a couple hours each day, plus doing all the basics: laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking kids to doctors or wherever else they need to go, how much extra time do they have to spend “bonding” with her children? Not much.

In other words, we shouldn’t be fretting about the amount of time we spend with our kids to balance out the need to work or work more hours. Because it’s not not the quantity of time spent, and it may not even be the quality. It’s just what you do with that time that counts. If you just provide food, shelter, clothing, homework help, or a good emotional stroke to feed the ego when necessary, you’re doing great.

So hang up those SuperMom capes. Release the unnecessary guilt that doesn’t do any one any good. And relax in your role as human being. Your kids will probably like you better that way anyway — no one wants to be around Mom when she’s stressed!